Memo from Russ Walter --> August 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
This letter contains secrets you requested
from Russ Walter, Publisher
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living
Phone 603 666-6644 (24 hours)
http://www.secretfun.com
196 Tiffany Lane
Manchester NH 03104-4782
Presorted standard
U.S. postage paid
Compu-Mail
Boston MA
Memo from Russ Walter
Here's the announcement you requested. We've finally published the 31st edition of the "Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living". It's the top-rated book about computers & lifestyle. It goes far beyond earlier editions and set new standards.
This huge volume combines & updates what we used to sell as 2 smaller books ("The Secret Guide to Computers" and "Tricky Living"). To get it, use the back page's coupon or phone us at 603 666-6644 (day or night, 24 hours, we're usually in).
What's in the new Secret Guide?
The 31st edition of the Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, finished in 2011's Summer, includes more than 40,000 improvements over the previous edition, which was written 4 years ago.
Unlike the previous edition, it explains how to use these recent inventions:
Windows 7
Apple's iPad
Microsoft Office 2010 (with its new versions of Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Publisher, and Access)
modern Web browsers (Internet Explorer 8 & 9, Firefox 4 & 5, Chrome 12, and Safari)
modern programming (using Visual Basic 2010, Visual C++2010, Visual C#2010, Java 6, and QB64)
Webon Website builder and WolframAlpha computation knowledge engine
It also explains:
new hardware (USB flash drives, tablet computers, fast CPU chips)
new computer dealers (Walmart and Staples)
new advice about which productivity software and antivirus program to get
It adds these new topics:
Obama Presidency, geography puzzles, Spanish pronunciation, Canada's gripes, and 2011 China
best videos from YouTube & JibJab and top-rated classic movies
Bible translations (Old Testament, New Testament, and Qur'an) algebra's new axioms
courtroom bloopers, funny songs, 6-word stories, personals, and alphabetical sentences
It includes 703 huge pages. You get 52 chapters, grouped into 10 sections:
Buyer's guide: using this book, how to shop, chips, disks, I/O devices, software, complete systems
Windows: how to start, WordPad, Paint, nifty features
Internet: providers, Web, email
Fixes: security, maintenance, repairs
Strange systems: iPad, DOS
Word processing: Microsoft Word 2007 & 2010, Microsoft Word 2002 & 2003, Microsoft Works
Tricky apps: spreadsheets, pictures, movies, desktop pub, Web design, databases, acc'ting, games humanity
Tricky living: health, daily survival, intellectuals, arts, govt., Americana, foreigners, Donna, morals, sex
Programming: QBasic, & QB64, Visual Basic, JavaScript, Java, C#, C++, exotic languages, assembler
Computer life: our past, your future, resources
12 reasons
This book is popular for 12 reasons:
Easy to read, makes even the toughest topics digestible
Trains you fast, without Dummily wasting your time
Covers every major topic and the minor leagues, too
Reveals tricks & treats you can't find anywhere else
Brings you up to date and fills holes in your background
Groovy anecdotes make you the hit of cocktail parties
Makes you talk smart, so you get a raise, better job, or sex
Funny -- like Bill Gates' modesty
Saves you big bucks when you buy hardware & software
Lets you phone the author for free help when puzzled
Dirt cheap and gives you huge discounts to share with friends
Makes your world better, getting it's the right thing to do
Price
This 31st edition lists for $25. To pay less, join your friends:
20% discount if you order at least 2: pay just $20 each.
40% discount if you order at least 4: pay just $15 each.
60% discount if you order at least 60: pay just $10 each.
Get the classics
To squeeze so many new topics into the 31st edition, we had to leave out older topics, still available in classic editions.
To let you get classics easily, we've dropped the price of all old editions to just $3. Even the 30th edition, recently selling for $20, is now just $3 !
At that low price, grab a whole bunch of the classics! Get them for yourself, friends, schools on tight budgets, and best charities.
Here are the biggest differences among the last five editions of
The Secret Guide to Computers:
Topic Editions
advanced DOS commands 27
Windows 3 & 95 27 28 29
Windows 98 27 28 29 30
Windows 98SE & Me 28 29 30
Windows XP 28 29 30 31
Windows Vista 30 31
Windows 7 31
Internet Explorer 5 27 28 29 30
Internet Explorer 6 28 29 30 31
Internet Explorer 7 30 31
Internet Explorer 8 & 9 31
Netscape Navigator 27 28
Firefox 30 31
Chrome, Safari 31
Outlook Express 5 27 28 29 30
Outlook Express 6 28 29 30 31
Windows Mail, Yahoo Mail 30 31
Windows Live Mail, Gmail 31
Apple Mac 27 28 29 30
Linux, Palm 28 29 30
Apple iPad 31
dBase, FoxPro, Q&A 27 28
WordPerfect, Quattro Pro 27 28 29
Microsoft Office 2003 29 30 31
Microsoft Office 2007 30 31
Microsoft Office 2010 31
Front Page 27 28 29
advanced HTML 28 29 30 31
JavaScript, JScript 29 30 31
blogs 30 31
Webon 31
advanced QBasic 27 28 29
Visual Basic 6 28 29 30
Visual Basic 2010, QB64 31
Visual C++ 6, classic C 27 28 29 30
Visual C++ & C# 2010 31
Fortran, Cobol, Logo 27
Pascal 27 28
Java using Visual J++ 27 28 29 30
Java using Sun Java 6 31
numerical analysis 27
dictionary of computer jargon 27 28
vendor phone book 27 28 29 30
menu & icon index 27 28 29 30
edit photos & videos 30 31
best advice on buying & fixing 31
Here's how the first two editions of Tricky Living differed from the new book:
Topic Editions
Democratic primary candidates 1 2
Obama as President 31
the Chinese having trouble in the USA 1
the Chinese having success in the USA 2 31
Chinese language details 2 31
China in 2011 31
prostitution 1 2
sleep disorders, payroll taxes, 2 cows 2 31
advanced editing, math teaching 2 31
algebra axioms, Spanish pronunciation 31
geography puzzles, courtroom bloopers 31
Bible translation 31
To get classic editions us the coupon the back page.
Expert Test
Are you an expert yet? Take this 69 question test:
Computers Page where answer begins
Which company owns Gateway and eMachines? 13
What did the devil tell the programmer who was misled into hell? 18
In WordPad (and MS Word), how can you type "e" by using the Ctrl key? 81
Define pure play, bricks-and-clicks, story stock, and dot snot. 112
What are these Websites for: Zillow, Snopes, Hoovers, and Pandora? 121
Define ROTFL, LMAO, IMHO, TTFN, PRW, RTFM, AND IANAL. 134
Define MLM, advance-fee scam, phishing, and word salad. 141
What's the name of Microsoft's free antivirus program? 144
If the Start button's in the wrong corner, how can you move it? 162
If the printer refuses to print, how can you empty the printer queue? 165
How can you make MS Word translate your writing to Spanish & Chinese? 184
What word does Microsoft use instead of "alphabetize"? 190
How do you make an Excel column just wide enough to fit its widest data? 229
Which program suggests you commit suicide with as hammer? 325
Health
What's jungle grease and should you eat it? 347
Which is healthier: chicken or turkey? 348
If your food's too spicy, what should you drink? 348
Which fad diet is healthier: Atkins or South Beach? 351
Why should carrots and tomatoes be cooked instead of eaten raw? 353
How is "light" tuna healthier than "white" tuna? 354
What are frog sticks, cow paste, shit on a shingle, a blonde with sand? 356
What are the advantages of sleeping face up, face down, and facing left? 357
Which sexual activity is most likely to transmit AIDS? 358
Daily survival
What's the best time of day to water a lawn? 362
In freezing weather, why should you turn on your car's air conditioner? 362
Whose truck has this sign?, "Let us remove your shorts." 371
Intellectual life
How can you make your teacher stand at the window while lecturing? 377
How did a horse learn to compute square roots? 377
On which day of the week are you most likely to commit suicide? 378
Arrange 10 coins so they form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins. 381
How can you "prove" that teachers can't give surprise tests? 381
Why do math magicians giggle about the number 1089 383
What famous nonzero number, when squared, gives zero? 386
Arts
Picasso said bad artists copy but good artists do what instead? 390
What's the most popular music composition in the whole world? 390
What famous tune is beautiful, sad, and contains just C, E, and G ? 391
What famous actors were born as Marion Morrison
and Issur Danielovitch? 394
Which short English sentence is the hardest to pronounce? 400
Government
According to Democrats, how do Republicans define prolife? 406
Why did President Harry Truman want a one armed economist? 407
How did Will Rogers define diplomacy? 410
American cultures
Which of the 50 states is closest to Africa? 415
Which state has no sales tax, no income tax,
and requires no driver license? 416
What do Texans mean when they split the sheets? 423
When you hear a Kentuckian say can, what does he really mean? 423
Foreign cultures
Which is farther North?: Venice (in Italy) or Halifax (in Canada). 424
Why do German women like cockroaches more than Americans? 424
Why is Hewlett-Packard's nickname, HP, embarrassing in Spanish? 426
In French, what do God, kids, and criminals have in common? 427
When reading Pinyin Chinese, how should you pronounce q, x, and c ? 429
Why can the French speak Chinese better than Americans? 429
What does "No Naked Light" mean? 433
What's a pedicab? 438
Why does a Chinese driver turn on his left blinker to go straight? 438
Fill in the blank: "Guangzhou people eat every
4 legged thing except ____." 441
Donna's comments
Why shouldn't you give a Chinese person a clock or a green hat? 445
According to Chinese tradition, who gets blamed
if you're uneducated? 447
Morals
Who said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"? 461
Who said "Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted"? 461
Who decided "It's okay to be nice to Blacks, if you don't make a point of it"? 461
Why is Whoopi Goldberg called "Whoopi"? 462
How does the Bible force every Jewish holiday to begin at sunset? 470
Why do Jews prefer to eat at Chinese restaurants? 472
Why is football more Jewish than baseball ? 474
Sex
What is Candice Bergen's advice about how to fake an orgasm? 487
Why do women say, "Men are like chocolate bars"? 488
Programming
How do you make VB output to the printer, disk,
and special windows? 579
What does the abbreviation PHP stand for? How about COBOL ? APL ? 637
How many bits are in a nibble? How many nibbles are in a byte? 661
The answers are in the 31st edition of
The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living
0-9 correct: you're in the dark; you desperately need this book
10-19 correct: lucky guesser but still an idiot; this book will cure you
20-29 correct: your thinking is muddy; this book will clarify your brain
30-39 correct: you learned some tricks, but this book will help you learn more
40-49 correct: you're smarter than we thought, but you'd enjoy this book; it's fun!
50-59 correct: you're brilliant at tricky living; you can laugh at this book
60-69 correct: you cheated; you peeked at the book already and memorized it.
Rated the best
The Secret Guide has been rated the best computer book.
Magazines have rated it the best:
PC World: "Russ is the user's champion. Nobody does a more thorough job of teaching PC technology."
PC Magazine: "No other computer book is a better value."
Christian Computing: "The Guide's the most comprehensive computer reference. Nothing else comes close.:
Popular Computing: "Russ is king of the East Coast computer cognoscenti."
Personal Computing: "Russ' approach to text writing sets a new style other authors might do well to follow."
Computer Currents: "Russ is a folk hero. The Guide should be next to every PC in the country."
Byte: "The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand computers and haven't had much luck at it, get the Guide."
Scientific American: "No room holding a small computer and adult studying it is well equipped without The Guide."
Librarians have rated it the best:
School Library Journal: "The Guide is a gold mine of information. Buy it; you'll like it."
BookLovers Review: "It's the best computer intro you can buy, a miracle, a must have for beginners and experienced users."
Wilson Library Bulletin: "It cuts through technohaze, packs more simple, fresh explication per page than any other book."
Computer societies have rated it the best:
Boston Computer Society: "Russ is years ahead of the pack claiming to have ways of instructing computer novices."
Connecticut Computer Society: "Russ' books have been used by insiders for years. He's special."
New England Computer Society: "The Guide is the world's best tutorial."
New York's NYPC: "The Guide is the perfect text for beginners. It's even better for the experienced computer user."
Texas' "Golden Triangle PC Club": "The Guide's a joy. It stands above the crowd of computer books that can't compete."
Sacramento California PC Users Group: "The Guide's the best collection of computer help ever written."
Newspapers around the world have rated it the best:
Australia's "Sydney Morning Herald": "The Guide's the best computer intro published anywhere in the world."
England's "Manchester Guardian": "Russ is a welcome relief. His Guide's an extraordinary source of info."
Silicon Valley's "Times Tribune": "This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, and addicting."
Dallas Times Herald: "Easily the best beginners' book seen, it's not just for beginners. It makes everfything simple."
Detroit News: "Russ is a legendary teacher. His fiercely honest Guide is the only book that includes everything."
Chicago Tribune: "The Guide's the best computer book, a cornucopia of computer delights written by a great altruist."
Kentucky's "Louisville Courier": "The Guide gives Russ' no bull insights. Its biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality."
Philadelphia Inquirer: "Russ is a high tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit."
NY Times: "The computer obsessed will revel in the Guide. It covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe."
Wall Street Journal: "Russ is computer expert. His students are grateful. He' influential.
Connecticut's "Hartford Courant": "If you plan to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is The Guide."
Boston Globe: "Russ is a unique resource, important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide is down to earth."
Boston Phoenix: "Russ has achieved international cult status. His comprehensive Guide's a great deal."
Free phone help
Whenever you have a question about computers -- or life -- get free help by phoning me at my New Hampshire home 603 666-6644 Phone day or night, 24 hours: I'm usually in and sleep just lightly. I'll help you get computer discounts, use software, fix your computer, write programs, develop your career, manage personal relationships, do homework, edit your writing, and master hundreds of other topics covered in the book.
We face just 3 restrictions:
I can't read the books on the phone (but I can tell you which pages to read)
I can't help you do bad things (such as use pirated software)
I'm limited to an average of 7 minutes per call (but you can call often)
Drop in
Drop in anytime, 24 hours. We're in Manchester, New Hampshire. Come use our free library, which contains the world's best books and magazines about computers & tricky living.
Phone us first at 603 666-6644, and use these directions:
Take Interstate 93 to New Hampshire's exit 8. At the exit ramp's end, turn left (onto Wellington Road). Exactly 1 mile ahead, turn right (at Governor's Hill sign) onto Tiffany Lane. We're the second building on the right, #196.
Tutoring and group classes
Most questions can be answered using our free help service: call as often as you wish.
If you want to chat at greater length, way beyond the usual 7 minutes per call, ask for "tutoring" instead, which has no time limit but costs $25 per hour. That's for lengthy help by phone -- or in person at my New Hampshire studio.
Pick whatever topic you wish. The most popular are "computers", "high school math", "calculus", "editing English", and "SAT prep", but many other topics are available. Your friends can join you at no extra charge, so the total cost for the whole group is just $25 per hour. Add a transportation fee if you want me to travel far. We teach Chinese, too! Phone me at 603 666-6644 to discuss details.
In many cities around the U.S., I used to give "computer blitz courses" priced at just $2.50 per hour per person. I hope to give those courses again; but my tight schedule and America's overburdened transportation system make them harder to arrange now. I'll keep trying.
Secret CD
You can order the 31st edition printed on a CD-R disk instead of paper. The disk includes files in 3 Microsoft Word formats and Adobe PDF format. It helps 3 special groups of people:
the blind who can't read our printed books but have a talking computer
overloaded travelers who can't lug our huge books
communicators who want to copy our work to their own papers & Web sites.
If you order that disk, we recommend you order the book on paper also, since the paper version is easier to use than the disk.
Free reprints
Since we don't care about profit, you can copy our books, free!
Copy whichever pages you wish, to train or amuse your friends! Make as many copies as you like. give them away (or sell them or copy to your Web site), and don't pay us a cent !
Just phone us first (to confirm that none of the coauthors have raised objections), begin your reprint with an acknowledgement paragraph (which I'll give you), and give us access to a copy of your reprint.
Already bought a previous edition?
If you already bought the 30th Secret Guide to Computers (or 2nd Tricky Living) and got a quantity discount on it (because you bought many copies), good news: we can give you the same percentage discount on the 31st edition (20%, 40%, or 60%), even if you're buying just one copy. On the order form, just write "give old discount" and your phone number.
Not sure about your discount? Phone 603 666-6644 to check.
Candid
Like its predecessors, the 31st edition is candid, especially the section on tricky living. It gives space to both sides of arguments about health, politics, religion, race, and sex. It also expresses its own point of view.
Conservative parents who wish to shield their kids from discussions of sexuality and other hot button topics should examine this book privately before distributing copies to their kids. This 31st edition is more "family friendly" than its predecessors -- for example, it omits the section about prostitution -- but it still gets a bit edgy in places -- because that's what modern life is! For example, page 487 mentions tampons and dildos. This book is a wake up call about many issues that some of us would rather not talk about.
Personal comments
Writing books -- which I've done for over 40 years -- seems terribly old fashioned. To learn about computers & life you can free info from the Internet & friends. So why buy a book?
The answer is: The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living lets you learn 5 times as fast as if you search for info elsewhere. This book is edited carefully to teach you fast. It's organized to present you info in the best way, not available by staring at just a friend's face or computer screen.
If you're trying to learn modern computing and think you can just rely on your knowledge of earlier software, you'll be surprised! A lot has changed! This new edition will get you over the humps. We've given it a low list price ($25), free U.S. shipping, and quantity discounts up to 60%, to please your pocketbook.
I apologize for being so unamerican. The American way would be to make the cover say "$69.95" instead but send a letter saying you get a "special price" of just $39.95 plus $5.95 shipping -- or better yet, make "just 4 easy payments of $9.95 each plus shipping" -- and get just a 10% discount if you order 5 of them. I've resisted such craponomics; I hope you will too !
Other authors publish crap than hide from their readers. Instead, I give you free help by phone at 603 666-6644 even if you don't buy the book (though to get my best help you should read the current edition, since I can't read it over the phone).
I'm grateful to the thousands of readers who gave advice about how to improve this book. I've tried following that advice. I'll make further improvements in future editions, if you continue supporting my efforts by introducing these books to your friends.
Many readers offer us donations; but we return them, to make sure we stay honest. If you want to support our efforts, just tell your friends. Thanks!
Visit our Web site
http://www.secretfun.com
for further news and some free reading.
Get more copies
We offer two kinds of writing:
The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers.
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life.
Get copies for yourself and friends. The books make great presents for Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and celebrations. Older editions include extra info about older computers & lifestyles. This coupon gives you discounts. Copy it for your friends. If you have questions,
call 603 666-6644 or see
http://secretfun.com
Money-back guarantee
If you’re not sure whether to order a book, go ahead: you can return unused books anytime for a 100% refund.
Many ways to order
The simplest way to order is to mail this page’s coupon with a check, money order, credit-card info, or cash. Other choices:
You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the books personally:
phone 603-666-6644 for directions and a pickup time.
To order by credit card, you can mail this coupon or
phone 603-666-6644 or e-mail
russ@secretfun.com
if you don’t mind sending unsecured e-mail. Give your credit-card number, expiration date, and name printed on the card. We take Master Card, Visa, American Express, and Discover.
We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a school, bookstore, government agency, or established computer company). Mail this coupon or
phone 603-666-6644 or e-mail
russ@secretfun.com
If over $700, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days.
We accept 5 forms of payment from other countries:
international postal money order (written in U.S. dollars)
credit-card number (Master Card, Visa, American Express, or Discover, with expiration date and the name printed on the card)
check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or Canadian city printed somewhere on the check)
cash (we convert foreign currency & send change)
wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a phone call or note telling us how you transferred)
Review copies
If you plan to introduce the book to at least 100 people, phone 603-666-6644 to request a review copy.
Special services
To discover our special services, read page 3
To get books and free brochures, you can mail this coupon,
or phone 603 666-6644 (24 hours, we're usually in), or send email to
russ@secretfun.com
as explained at
http://www.secretfun.com
If you plan to introduce the book to at least 100 people, phone for a review copy.
Cut out this coupon
Book bargains
The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living 31st edition lists for $25.
To pay less, join your friends:
20% discount if you order at least 2: pay just $20 each.
40% discount if you order at least 4: pay just $15 each.
60% discount if you order at least 60: pay just $10 each.
How many copies do you want?____
If you want some of them on CD-R disks instead of on paper, how many on disks?____
Say how many copies you want of these classics for just $3 each:
The Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 ?____
edition 28 ?____
edition 29 ?____
edition 30 ?____
Tricky Living, edition 1 ?____
Tricky Living, edition 2 ?____
How many of this Secret Brochure & other newsletters, for you & friends, free?____
How do we reach you?
Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts.
Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions:
Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news:
Shipping (typically free)
We offer 3 shipping methods:
Standard is available just to the USA. It's free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under 30000, 1 1/2 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method , because it's free.
Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $5 total, even if you order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603 666-6644
International is for outside the USA and usually takes 1 1/2 weeks. It costs $8 per printed book, so multiply the number of printed books by $8. Don't count CDs or brochures: they ship free.
Circle the shipping method you want.
Final steps
Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $________
Which payment method do you prefer? Put x in the box:
[ ] cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change)
[ ] check or money order (made out to Secret Guide)
[ ] credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; at bottom write your number, expiration data, signature)
[ ] bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left)
If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for
us to give your friend.
Mail to
Secret Guide
196 Tiffany Lane
Manchester NH 03104-4782
from Russ Walter, Publisher
Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living
Phone 603 666-6644 (24 hours)
http://www.secretfun.com
196 Tiffany Lane
Manchester NH 03104-4782
Presorted standard
U.S. postage paid
Compu-Mail
Boston MA
Memo from Russ Walter
Here's the announcement you requested. We've finally published the 31st edition of the "Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living". It's the top-rated book about computers & lifestyle. It goes far beyond earlier editions and set new standards.
This huge volume combines & updates what we used to sell as 2 smaller books ("The Secret Guide to Computers" and "Tricky Living"). To get it, use the back page's coupon or phone us at 603 666-6644 (day or night, 24 hours, we're usually in).
What's in the new Secret Guide?
The 31st edition of the Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, finished in 2011's Summer, includes more than 40,000 improvements over the previous edition, which was written 4 years ago.
Unlike the previous edition, it explains how to use these recent inventions:
Windows 7
Apple's iPad
Microsoft Office 2010 (with its new versions of Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Publisher, and Access)
modern Web browsers (Internet Explorer 8 & 9, Firefox 4 & 5, Chrome 12, and Safari)
modern programming (using Visual Basic 2010, Visual C++2010, Visual C#2010, Java 6, and QB64)
Webon Website builder and WolframAlpha computation knowledge engine
It also explains:
new hardware (USB flash drives, tablet computers, fast CPU chips)
new computer dealers (Walmart and Staples)
new advice about which productivity software and antivirus program to get
It adds these new topics:
Obama Presidency, geography puzzles, Spanish pronunciation, Canada's gripes, and 2011 China
best videos from YouTube & JibJab and top-rated classic movies
Bible translations (Old Testament, New Testament, and Qur'an) algebra's new axioms
courtroom bloopers, funny songs, 6-word stories, personals, and alphabetical sentences
It includes 703 huge pages. You get 52 chapters, grouped into 10 sections:
Buyer's guide: using this book, how to shop, chips, disks, I/O devices, software, complete systems
Windows: how to start, WordPad, Paint, nifty features
Internet: providers, Web, email
Fixes: security, maintenance, repairs
Strange systems: iPad, DOS
Word processing: Microsoft Word 2007 & 2010, Microsoft Word 2002 & 2003, Microsoft Works
Tricky apps: spreadsheets, pictures, movies, desktop pub, Web design, databases, acc'ting, games humanity
Tricky living: health, daily survival, intellectuals, arts, govt., Americana, foreigners, Donna, morals, sex
Programming: QBasic, & QB64, Visual Basic, JavaScript, Java, C#, C++, exotic languages, assembler
Computer life: our past, your future, resources
12 reasons
This book is popular for 12 reasons:
Easy to read, makes even the toughest topics digestible
Trains you fast, without Dummily wasting your time
Covers every major topic and the minor leagues, too
Reveals tricks & treats you can't find anywhere else
Brings you up to date and fills holes in your background
Groovy anecdotes make you the hit of cocktail parties
Makes you talk smart, so you get a raise, better job, or sex
Funny -- like Bill Gates' modesty
Saves you big bucks when you buy hardware & software
Lets you phone the author for free help when puzzled
Dirt cheap and gives you huge discounts to share with friends
Makes your world better, getting it's the right thing to do
Price
This 31st edition lists for $25. To pay less, join your friends:
20% discount if you order at least 2: pay just $20 each.
40% discount if you order at least 4: pay just $15 each.
60% discount if you order at least 60: pay just $10 each.
Get the classics
To squeeze so many new topics into the 31st edition, we had to leave out older topics, still available in classic editions.
To let you get classics easily, we've dropped the price of all old editions to just $3. Even the 30th edition, recently selling for $20, is now just $3 !
At that low price, grab a whole bunch of the classics! Get them for yourself, friends, schools on tight budgets, and best charities.
Here are the biggest differences among the last five editions of
The Secret Guide to Computers:
Topic Editions
advanced DOS commands 27
Windows 3 & 95 27 28 29
Windows 98 27 28 29 30
Windows 98SE & Me 28 29 30
Windows XP 28 29 30 31
Windows Vista 30 31
Windows 7 31
Internet Explorer 5 27 28 29 30
Internet Explorer 6 28 29 30 31
Internet Explorer 7 30 31
Internet Explorer 8 & 9 31
Netscape Navigator 27 28
Firefox 30 31
Chrome, Safari 31
Outlook Express 5 27 28 29 30
Outlook Express 6 28 29 30 31
Windows Mail, Yahoo Mail 30 31
Windows Live Mail, Gmail 31
Apple Mac 27 28 29 30
Linux, Palm 28 29 30
Apple iPad 31
dBase, FoxPro, Q&A 27 28
WordPerfect, Quattro Pro 27 28 29
Microsoft Office 2003 29 30 31
Microsoft Office 2007 30 31
Microsoft Office 2010 31
Front Page 27 28 29
advanced HTML 28 29 30 31
JavaScript, JScript 29 30 31
blogs 30 31
Webon 31
advanced QBasic 27 28 29
Visual Basic 6 28 29 30
Visual Basic 2010, QB64 31
Visual C++ 6, classic C 27 28 29 30
Visual C++ & C# 2010 31
Fortran, Cobol, Logo 27
Pascal 27 28
Java using Visual J++ 27 28 29 30
Java using Sun Java 6 31
numerical analysis 27
dictionary of computer jargon 27 28
vendor phone book 27 28 29 30
menu & icon index 27 28 29 30
edit photos & videos 30 31
best advice on buying & fixing 31
Here's how the first two editions of Tricky Living differed from the new book:
Topic Editions
Democratic primary candidates 1 2
Obama as President 31
the Chinese having trouble in the USA 1
the Chinese having success in the USA 2 31
Chinese language details 2 31
China in 2011 31
prostitution 1 2
sleep disorders, payroll taxes, 2 cows 2 31
advanced editing, math teaching 2 31
algebra axioms, Spanish pronunciation 31
geography puzzles, courtroom bloopers 31
Bible translation 31
To get classic editions us the coupon the back page.
Expert Test
Are you an expert yet? Take this 69 question test:
Computers Page where answer begins
Which company owns Gateway and eMachines? 13
What did the devil tell the programmer who was misled into hell? 18
In WordPad (and MS Word), how can you type "e" by using the Ctrl key? 81
Define pure play, bricks-and-clicks, story stock, and dot snot. 112
What are these Websites for: Zillow, Snopes, Hoovers, and Pandora? 121
Define ROTFL, LMAO, IMHO, TTFN, PRW, RTFM, AND IANAL. 134
Define MLM, advance-fee scam, phishing, and word salad. 141
What's the name of Microsoft's free antivirus program? 144
If the Start button's in the wrong corner, how can you move it? 162
If the printer refuses to print, how can you empty the printer queue? 165
How can you make MS Word translate your writing to Spanish & Chinese? 184
What word does Microsoft use instead of "alphabetize"? 190
How do you make an Excel column just wide enough to fit its widest data? 229
Which program suggests you commit suicide with as hammer? 325
Health
What's jungle grease and should you eat it? 347
Which is healthier: chicken or turkey? 348
If your food's too spicy, what should you drink? 348
Which fad diet is healthier: Atkins or South Beach? 351
Why should carrots and tomatoes be cooked instead of eaten raw? 353
How is "light" tuna healthier than "white" tuna? 354
What are frog sticks, cow paste, shit on a shingle, a blonde with sand? 356
What are the advantages of sleeping face up, face down, and facing left? 357
Which sexual activity is most likely to transmit AIDS? 358
Daily survival
What's the best time of day to water a lawn? 362
In freezing weather, why should you turn on your car's air conditioner? 362
Whose truck has this sign?, "Let us remove your shorts." 371
Intellectual life
How can you make your teacher stand at the window while lecturing? 377
How did a horse learn to compute square roots? 377
On which day of the week are you most likely to commit suicide? 378
Arrange 10 coins so they form 5 rows, each containing 4 coins. 381
How can you "prove" that teachers can't give surprise tests? 381
Why do math magicians giggle about the number 1089 383
What famous nonzero number, when squared, gives zero? 386
Arts
Picasso said bad artists copy but good artists do what instead? 390
What's the most popular music composition in the whole world? 390
What famous tune is beautiful, sad, and contains just C, E, and G ? 391
What famous actors were born as Marion Morrison
and Issur Danielovitch? 394
Which short English sentence is the hardest to pronounce? 400
Government
According to Democrats, how do Republicans define prolife? 406
Why did President Harry Truman want a one armed economist? 407
How did Will Rogers define diplomacy? 410
American cultures
Which of the 50 states is closest to Africa? 415
Which state has no sales tax, no income tax,
and requires no driver license? 416
What do Texans mean when they split the sheets? 423
When you hear a Kentuckian say can, what does he really mean? 423
Foreign cultures
Which is farther North?: Venice (in Italy) or Halifax (in Canada). 424
Why do German women like cockroaches more than Americans? 424
Why is Hewlett-Packard's nickname, HP, embarrassing in Spanish? 426
In French, what do God, kids, and criminals have in common? 427
When reading Pinyin Chinese, how should you pronounce q, x, and c ? 429
Why can the French speak Chinese better than Americans? 429
What does "No Naked Light" mean? 433
What's a pedicab? 438
Why does a Chinese driver turn on his left blinker to go straight? 438
Fill in the blank: "Guangzhou people eat every
4 legged thing except ____." 441
Donna's comments
Why shouldn't you give a Chinese person a clock or a green hat? 445
According to Chinese tradition, who gets blamed
if you're uneducated? 447
Morals
Who said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"? 461
Who said "Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted"? 461
Who decided "It's okay to be nice to Blacks, if you don't make a point of it"? 461
Why is Whoopi Goldberg called "Whoopi"? 462
How does the Bible force every Jewish holiday to begin at sunset? 470
Why do Jews prefer to eat at Chinese restaurants? 472
Why is football more Jewish than baseball ? 474
Sex
What is Candice Bergen's advice about how to fake an orgasm? 487
Why do women say, "Men are like chocolate bars"? 488
Programming
How do you make VB output to the printer, disk,
and special windows? 579
What does the abbreviation PHP stand for? How about COBOL ? APL ? 637
How many bits are in a nibble? How many nibbles are in a byte? 661
The answers are in the 31st edition of
The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living
0-9 correct: you're in the dark; you desperately need this book
10-19 correct: lucky guesser but still an idiot; this book will cure you
20-29 correct: your thinking is muddy; this book will clarify your brain
30-39 correct: you learned some tricks, but this book will help you learn more
40-49 correct: you're smarter than we thought, but you'd enjoy this book; it's fun!
50-59 correct: you're brilliant at tricky living; you can laugh at this book
60-69 correct: you cheated; you peeked at the book already and memorized it.
Rated the best
The Secret Guide has been rated the best computer book.
Magazines have rated it the best:
PC World: "Russ is the user's champion. Nobody does a more thorough job of teaching PC technology."
PC Magazine: "No other computer book is a better value."
Christian Computing: "The Guide's the most comprehensive computer reference. Nothing else comes close.:
Popular Computing: "Russ is king of the East Coast computer cognoscenti."
Personal Computing: "Russ' approach to text writing sets a new style other authors might do well to follow."
Computer Currents: "Russ is a folk hero. The Guide should be next to every PC in the country."
Byte: "The Guide is amazing. If you need to understand computers and haven't had much luck at it, get the Guide."
Scientific American: "No room holding a small computer and adult studying it is well equipped without The Guide."
Librarians have rated it the best:
School Library Journal: "The Guide is a gold mine of information. Buy it; you'll like it."
BookLovers Review: "It's the best computer intro you can buy, a miracle, a must have for beginners and experienced users."
Wilson Library Bulletin: "It cuts through technohaze, packs more simple, fresh explication per page than any other book."
Computer societies have rated it the best:
Boston Computer Society: "Russ is years ahead of the pack claiming to have ways of instructing computer novices."
Connecticut Computer Society: "Russ' books have been used by insiders for years. He's special."
New England Computer Society: "The Guide is the world's best tutorial."
New York's NYPC: "The Guide is the perfect text for beginners. It's even better for the experienced computer user."
Texas' "Golden Triangle PC Club": "The Guide's a joy. It stands above the crowd of computer books that can't compete."
Sacramento California PC Users Group: "The Guide's the best collection of computer help ever written."
Newspapers around the world have rated it the best:
Australia's "Sydney Morning Herald": "The Guide's the best computer intro published anywhere in the world."
England's "Manchester Guardian": "Russ is a welcome relief. His Guide's an extraordinary source of info."
Silicon Valley's "Times Tribune": "This book makes learning not only fun, but hilarious, inspiring, and addicting."
Dallas Times Herald: "Easily the best beginners' book seen, it's not just for beginners. It makes everfything simple."
Detroit News: "Russ is a legendary teacher. His fiercely honest Guide is the only book that includes everything."
Chicago Tribune: "The Guide's the best computer book, a cornucopia of computer delights written by a great altruist."
Kentucky's "Louisville Courier": "The Guide gives Russ' no bull insights. Its biggest appeal is its humor, wit, and personality."
Philadelphia Inquirer: "Russ is a high tech hero. His wacky, massive Guide is filled with his folksy wit."
NY Times: "The computer obsessed will revel in the Guide. It covers just about every subject in the microcomputer universe."
Wall Street Journal: "Russ is computer expert. His students are grateful. He' influential.
Connecticut's "Hartford Courant": "If you plan to buy a personal computer, the best gift to give yourself is The Guide."
Boston Globe: "Russ is a unique resource, important to beginning and advanced users. His Guide is down to earth."
Boston Phoenix: "Russ has achieved international cult status. His comprehensive Guide's a great deal."
Free phone help
Whenever you have a question about computers -- or life -- get free help by phoning me at my New Hampshire home 603 666-6644 Phone day or night, 24 hours: I'm usually in and sleep just lightly. I'll help you get computer discounts, use software, fix your computer, write programs, develop your career, manage personal relationships, do homework, edit your writing, and master hundreds of other topics covered in the book.
We face just 3 restrictions:
I can't read the books on the phone (but I can tell you which pages to read)
I can't help you do bad things (such as use pirated software)
I'm limited to an average of 7 minutes per call (but you can call often)
Drop in
Drop in anytime, 24 hours. We're in Manchester, New Hampshire. Come use our free library, which contains the world's best books and magazines about computers & tricky living.
Phone us first at 603 666-6644, and use these directions:
Take Interstate 93 to New Hampshire's exit 8. At the exit ramp's end, turn left (onto Wellington Road). Exactly 1 mile ahead, turn right (at Governor's Hill sign) onto Tiffany Lane. We're the second building on the right, #196.
Tutoring and group classes
Most questions can be answered using our free help service: call as often as you wish.
If you want to chat at greater length, way beyond the usual 7 minutes per call, ask for "tutoring" instead, which has no time limit but costs $25 per hour. That's for lengthy help by phone -- or in person at my New Hampshire studio.
Pick whatever topic you wish. The most popular are "computers", "high school math", "calculus", "editing English", and "SAT prep", but many other topics are available. Your friends can join you at no extra charge, so the total cost for the whole group is just $25 per hour. Add a transportation fee if you want me to travel far. We teach Chinese, too! Phone me at 603 666-6644 to discuss details.
In many cities around the U.S., I used to give "computer blitz courses" priced at just $2.50 per hour per person. I hope to give those courses again; but my tight schedule and America's overburdened transportation system make them harder to arrange now. I'll keep trying.
Secret CD
You can order the 31st edition printed on a CD-R disk instead of paper. The disk includes files in 3 Microsoft Word formats and Adobe PDF format. It helps 3 special groups of people:
the blind who can't read our printed books but have a talking computer
overloaded travelers who can't lug our huge books
communicators who want to copy our work to their own papers & Web sites.
If you order that disk, we recommend you order the book on paper also, since the paper version is easier to use than the disk.
Free reprints
Since we don't care about profit, you can copy our books, free!
Copy whichever pages you wish, to train or amuse your friends! Make as many copies as you like. give them away (or sell them or copy to your Web site), and don't pay us a cent !
Just phone us first (to confirm that none of the coauthors have raised objections), begin your reprint with an acknowledgement paragraph (which I'll give you), and give us access to a copy of your reprint.
Already bought a previous edition?
If you already bought the 30th Secret Guide to Computers (or 2nd Tricky Living) and got a quantity discount on it (because you bought many copies), good news: we can give you the same percentage discount on the 31st edition (20%, 40%, or 60%), even if you're buying just one copy. On the order form, just write "give old discount" and your phone number.
Not sure about your discount? Phone 603 666-6644 to check.
Candid
Like its predecessors, the 31st edition is candid, especially the section on tricky living. It gives space to both sides of arguments about health, politics, religion, race, and sex. It also expresses its own point of view.
Conservative parents who wish to shield their kids from discussions of sexuality and other hot button topics should examine this book privately before distributing copies to their kids. This 31st edition is more "family friendly" than its predecessors -- for example, it omits the section about prostitution -- but it still gets a bit edgy in places -- because that's what modern life is! For example, page 487 mentions tampons and dildos. This book is a wake up call about many issues that some of us would rather not talk about.
Personal comments
Writing books -- which I've done for over 40 years -- seems terribly old fashioned. To learn about computers & life you can free info from the Internet & friends. So why buy a book?
The answer is: The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living lets you learn 5 times as fast as if you search for info elsewhere. This book is edited carefully to teach you fast. It's organized to present you info in the best way, not available by staring at just a friend's face or computer screen.
If you're trying to learn modern computing and think you can just rely on your knowledge of earlier software, you'll be surprised! A lot has changed! This new edition will get you over the humps. We've given it a low list price ($25), free U.S. shipping, and quantity discounts up to 60%, to please your pocketbook.
I apologize for being so unamerican. The American way would be to make the cover say "$69.95" instead but send a letter saying you get a "special price" of just $39.95 plus $5.95 shipping -- or better yet, make "just 4 easy payments of $9.95 each plus shipping" -- and get just a 10% discount if you order 5 of them. I've resisted such craponomics; I hope you will too !
Other authors publish crap than hide from their readers. Instead, I give you free help by phone at 603 666-6644 even if you don't buy the book (though to get my best help you should read the current edition, since I can't read it over the phone).
I'm grateful to the thousands of readers who gave advice about how to improve this book. I've tried following that advice. I'll make further improvements in future editions, if you continue supporting my efforts by introducing these books to your friends.
Many readers offer us donations; but we return them, to make sure we stay honest. If you want to support our efforts, just tell your friends. Thanks!
Visit our Web site
http://www.secretfun.com
for further news and some free reading.
Get more copies
We offer two kinds of writing:
The Secret Guide to Computers explains computers.
Tricky Living explains the rest of modern life.
Get copies for yourself and friends. The books make great presents for Christmas, birthdays, graduations, and celebrations. Older editions include extra info about older computers & lifestyles. This coupon gives you discounts. Copy it for your friends. If you have questions,
call 603 666-6644 or see
http://secretfun.com
Money-back guarantee
If you’re not sure whether to order a book, go ahead: you can return unused books anytime for a 100% refund.
Many ways to order
The simplest way to order is to mail this page’s coupon with a check, money order, credit-card info, or cash. Other choices:
You can visit us in New Hampshire to pick up the books personally:
phone 603-666-6644 for directions and a pickup time.
To order by credit card, you can mail this coupon or
phone 603-666-6644 or e-mail
russ@secretfun.com
if you don’t mind sending unsecured e-mail. Give your credit-card number, expiration date, and name printed on the card. We take Master Card, Visa, American Express, and Discover.
We can bill you if you bought at least 10 books from us before (or you’re employed by or retired from a school, bookstore, government agency, or established computer company). Mail this coupon or
phone 603-666-6644 or e-mail
russ@secretfun.com
If over $700, phone for approval. The bill is due in 30 days.
We accept 5 forms of payment from other countries:
international postal money order (written in U.S. dollars)
credit-card number (Master Card, Visa, American Express, or Discover, with expiration date and the name printed on the card)
check (written in U.S. dollars and having a U.S. or Canadian city printed somewhere on the check)
cash (we convert foreign currency & send change)
wire transfer (in U.S. dollars, from your local outlet of Western Union or MoneyGram, plus a phone call or note telling us how you transferred)
Review copies
If you plan to introduce the book to at least 100 people, phone 603-666-6644 to request a review copy.
Special services
To discover our special services, read page 3
To get books and free brochures, you can mail this coupon,
or phone 603 666-6644 (24 hours, we're usually in), or send email to
russ@secretfun.com
as explained at
http://www.secretfun.com
If you plan to introduce the book to at least 100 people, phone for a review copy.
Cut out this coupon
Book bargains
The Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living 31st edition lists for $25.
To pay less, join your friends:
20% discount if you order at least 2: pay just $20 each.
40% discount if you order at least 4: pay just $15 each.
60% discount if you order at least 60: pay just $10 each.
How many copies do you want?____
If you want some of them on CD-R disks instead of on paper, how many on disks?____
Say how many copies you want of these classics for just $3 each:
The Secret Guide to Computers, edition 27 ?____
edition 28 ?____
edition 29 ?____
edition 30 ?____
Tricky Living, edition 1 ?____
Tricky Living, edition 2 ?____
How many of this Secret Brochure & other newsletters, for you & friends, free?____
How do we reach you?
Print the name & address where you want the goods sent. If you want the shipment split to several addresses, list them; you still get the quantity discounts.
Your phone numbers (optional & kept private) will help if we have questions:
Your email addresses (optional & kept private) will get you our news:
Shipping (typically free)
We offer 3 shipping methods:
Standard is available just to the USA. It's free. It usually takes 1 week to ZIP codes under 30000, 1 1/2 weeks to other ZIP codes. We usually recommend this shipping method , because it's free.
Rush is like standard (available just to the USA) but a bit faster (because we jump you ahead of other customers and, if reasonable, use Priority Mail or UPS or other fast service). It costs just $5 total, even if you order is big or split. If you want to chat about the delivery date, phone 603 666-6644
International is for outside the USA and usually takes 1 1/2 weeks. It costs $8 per printed book, so multiply the number of printed books by $8. Don't count CDs or brochures: they ship free.
Circle the shipping method you want.
Final steps
Add the book prices and shipping charge. Write the sum: $________
Which payment method do you prefer? Put x in the box:
[ ] cash (we accept cash from all countries, convert foreign currency, send change)
[ ] check or money order (made out to Secret Guide)
[ ] credit card (MasterCard/Visa/AmEx/Discover; at bottom write your number, expiration data, signature)
[ ] bill (available just if you bought at least 10 books from us before or belong to organizations listed at left)
If the books are a gift to a friend, include a greeting card or note for
us to give your friend.
Mail to
Secret Guide
196 Tiffany Lane
Manchester NH 03104-4782
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